Reflection

Today my run was so emotional.  I honestly cried, I teared up. I think this happens sometimes when we are transitioning into something new. I was powerful. I was strong, and I kept fucking going.  I owned it.  I had energy and I used it to keep my run moving but still not to overtake my scheduled training too far.   I felt as though I could run forever!

Recently I have felt that I am coming back into my own person.  I am returning back to the woman who I was before I birthed my last baby.  I felt great emotionally during that pregnancy, I felt good after.  And I didn’t realize until today that I am still working on returning to the ‘old’ Me.   I had a dear girlfriend visit me this summer.  Our talks, little gestures, and ambitions reminded me of who I used to be.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am not lost, I am not looking for direction,  I just had missed a few things that belonged to me.  Little things.  So as I noticed what was missing, I reintroduced them the next day.  It felt good to see the pieces that I missed without realizing it.

I love the song Elastic Heart. I have listened to it constantly for weeks, sung it at the top of my lungs with the kids in the car.  But the words tonight resonated with me…  I am bouncing back.  I can be stretched.  I can be tough.  I can survive pregnancy, birth and come out powerful.   Yet I am still searching for my true self and how to be a better version of me.   I will still have my traits of self-destruction, but I can work through that by just waking up each day.

At the beginning of each year I pick a word.  One word I want to represent me for the next 365 days.  When I am feeling down, happy, or in a difficult situation, I use that word to help me see what I want to bring to my life.  It always teaches me more than I expect, or the meaning evolves as the year progresses   2015 = REFLECTION.   In January I wanted to see what was in my life, I want it to reflect who I am.  I want my kids to be a reflection of me.  I want to be happy with what I see around me.  What I forgot that REFLECTION is also something I see in the mirror.  I was so worried about being judged (probably by myself) that I forgot that what I see in the mirror IS me!  I fuckin own that shit! I work hard for that. I am dedicated to myself.  I want to have a healthy me and it is reflecting right back at me!!! Why did it take me so long to notice it?!  What have I been looking at every morning when I get ready for my day?  Wow, I only realized it on tonight’s run.  And it was emotional.  Very emotional.

I am not going to apologize anymore for being myself. (or I am going to try my hardest to be aware of it)  I am going to use my energy to make me a better me. 

My 4th Postpartum Journey

So Here I am  6 weeks ‘alone’ working out.  I no longer have my FitnessCoach  Krista to meet with once a week.  And it’s summer.  These are at least 2 things that could make it easy to excuse myself from working out, eating healthy and taking time for myself.  Trust me, I have faltered but I am dealing with it… and I am learning how to care for myself, by myself.  I am ok with it (after a little internal turmoil while on vacation)    A majority of my meals are still ½ veggies, and with that in mind I am enjoying wine more.  (heck my on call job starts soon, and I want to enjoy the wine while I can!)

I am learning how important strength training is in my life.  For me, eating healthy and running alone doesn’t give me the feeling of being great in my own skin.  I need muscle, I need core strength and I want it to feel good.  So, oddly enough, while I have lost weight these past few weeks, I feel ‘fat’ in my own skin.  I know I am not fat, it’s just an uncomfortable feeling that I am working through.  (oddly, while I still love the scale as a tool, this instance it wouldn’t be good to use it, because I don’t feel good even with weighing less) When September comes it will bring more routine to my life and I can add the weights back into my week once again.  

I do have to say that by having my Fitness Coach come to my home each week I knew the ONE thing that would be solid for me.  I knew that no matter what chaotic life I had during the week at home with all these kids, that Krista would be the consistency I needed to make it through.  And while this post isn't about her (sorry, love you and all) I want to say that hiring her was the best, most efficient money I have spent on myself in years. 

So,  it’s taken me a while to come to terms with my journey over the last 9-10 months.  I am nervous to share these photos.  I am nervous because I know I will be judged.  Good, bad, too skinny, too fat, too muscular, not enough muscle etc.  I am not looking for compliments to reassure myself,  I just know by putting this out there that someone is judging. I finally want to share this is because for the first time in my life I know that slow and steady wins the race, and I am coming out on top for MY personal goals.  And my slow journey may give someone else the reassurance to keep going. 

 

 The first was taken 3 months postpartum.  I hadn’t done much, but I was itching to move after being sedentary for about 6 months.  Looking back on that photo I don’t look good, but to be honest I felt pretty good.  People I told me I looked great after just having a baby too. (Do we just say that because we don’t know what else to say?!  Remind me to write about that in a blog later)  I had lost about ½ my baby weight in that photo too.  My second photo is 6 months postpartum.  Slow and steady!  I was so happy about my progress.  The last photo is 9 months postpartum.  

With all that I have improved on, what I mostly see is an HUGE improvement in my posture.  Never in my life would I have asked for that because I just didn’t think it was possible.  Yes, I lost weight, Yes I lost inches but what I gained is so much more!  I gained a butt! My WHOLE life I have made fun of myself because my ass was never an asset.  My pants constantly fell down because my waist was bigger than my butt.  This one improvement wasn’t on weight loss, or muscle building, I believe it was purely in the way I stand. 

I have gained confidence when I go out, I feel confident when I run, I feel confident when I work out.  .  Eat well every day for the majority of the day. (meaning who cares if I ate some chocolate, chips and or wine) I have 3 meals a day, I make them count as much as possible.

 Something is better than nothing is a new motto of mine.(thanks Krista!) Again I have 7 chances to work out/ exercise/ move my body. That is 30 or 31 chances a month.  If I can get in 26-31 chances to move my body I will.  It doesn’t have to be hard core, it doesn’t even have to be that challenging, a walk, a jog, a hike, I just have to move.

I have learned to talk positively to myself.   Yes, I ate chocolate (I am a sucker for anything with salt, caramel and chocolate) and I enjoyed it.  Yes, I had a crap day with the kids, but I give myself credit for the things I did do for myself that day.  When I start to get down on myself, I look at Map My Fitness its hard evidence of what I completed.

I don’t really want to share the measurements; I feel they are irrelevant to the general public. And truly it is about how I feel in my skin.  I will share that I lost about 5% body fat. I think this was reasonable and attainable because I am still breastfeeding.  I know some more will come off after my sweet little baby decides it time.    I still am trying to figure out my next goal and it’ll need to come quick because I want to keep motivated.

My journey is constantly changing, and I could go on and on and on about what I learned this last 10 months.  Be realistic with myself.  No, it’s talk positively with myself.  No,  it is do something every day. The truth is,it’s a combination of so many things.  I can’t narrow my journey to one lesson, because it has taken months and will continue to take a lifetime of learning to keep improving.    

So in the meantime, I will do the best I can for today.

 

 

Take Measurements

 

I know I have heard more than once to throw away the scale.  Personally I feel like a responsible Scale owner.  Like a responsible drinker, or a responsible driver it is used with caution and knowledge.  I think it can be a great tool... as long as it's not your only tool.

 

I have been running for a couple of months,  but I have taken my running 'back' to a beginner pace recently. I say back, because the first run (Learn to Run 10 K) I felt like I was going backwards, slower, shorter and just kinda boring. But now I need and want to run with proper form.  I am working on good posture and stance, Sometimes I have a baby in a stroller, sometimes I don't.  It all takes control, concentration and dedication.  As I was running Week 2 last night I noticed something.  My shirt, it was baggy on my back!?  It was flowing in the wind.  I loved the way it brushed up against my shoulder blades.  It made me want to run stand even taller!

 

Now because I own and use a scale, I would have been disappointed and my body's progress over the last 3 months. I have lost 3 lbs since March.  I went sugar free, I increased my water intake, I exercise more than in the 9 months previous.  I worked hard,  and I ONLY lost 3lbs? 

 

In the past I would have talked down to myself... like loosing 3lbs was a bad thing.  Like I should give up, because all that work and the scale tells me it's only worth 3lbs. Good thing I have other tricks up my sleeve!  Look at this picture! I am so glad I took it, I had a goal, and the lines were to become straight... and they did!   

 

AND in the meantime I bought short in a size I have NEVER dreamed off!

AND I stand straighter!

AND I am more confident

AND I improved my diet

AND I have more energy

AND my core has never been so strong (yes, even after 4 children)

AND next week I want to take real measurements so I can celebrate my 9 months Postpartum

AND I am doing this for my health, not for the scale!

 

 

So measure your successes as you feel you can.  Take notes, Notice what you can do that you couldn't do before. Use the tape Measure. Take photos. Celebrate it! Talk positive to yourself! 

Use the scale, but only as a tool, not as the answer!  

MY Hard Work

So,  here I am, I haven’t written in years.  Yes, I have wanted to, but I just wasn’t’ in the mindset.  Will I be consistent now?  Probably not.  Will I write when I am inspired?  I hope so!

I have been working hard at being more healthy and fit after the birth of my 4^th baby.  I wouldn’t say it’s excrutiating, but I am making the time, I am putting in the effort and some weeks are awesome, and some weeks are less than awesome.  Lack of sleep, activities, and general life can make it difficult for me to fit in time for me.  That is what my life is, and I have come to realize that I don’t have all the time in the world to work out. So I have to make do with what I got.  And I make it a priority in my life.  I do this foremost for me.  Then I do it so my children see a great example of what being active and healthy look like. 

We talk often about nutrition, food, good choices.  We don’t often talk about exercise. They are kids,  they get exercise, they run, jump play and are in activites.  It is just done. Food is different, kids are in school, they have parties, they have hot dog day, they have grandparents, they have treats bombarded at them all the time.  This is why I try not to be the one to give it to them.  They get it from so many places I don’t’ need to be the one that enforces it even more.  Don’t get me wrong, they get treats from me.  We have it in the house on occasion, but for the most part, I like to keep my cabinets clean.  AND if it were in the house, my will power would give in and probably eat it anyway! 

So,  her is something that is bothering me.  I have had 2 recent experiences with women in my life who are commenting on my body.  One was a few women standing back eyeing me up and down and commenting  They weren’t trying to be mean, they actually came up to me after and were trying to give compliments.   I say trying because I felt very uncomfortable.  I was being ogled, by other moms.  I was being judged and scrutinized.    I said thank you and probably made a comment about working hard. I didn’t get the vibe that anyone wanted to really know what I was doing. 

The next was a Mom ‘ how are you so skinny?’ (I’ll let you know how I feel about that word in a minute)  and before I could even whisper the words ‘I work hard’  I had another friend say “oh, its her trainer’  Yes, I have a trainer,  yes I LOVE her to bits, and YES I wouldn’t be where I am now without her.  I see her once a week for 1 hour.  That is less than 1% of the week.  But what she does for my mind contributes to how I spend the other 99% of the week.   Yes, Krista teaches me techniques, skills, thoughts and boosts my confidence.  I have an instructor that I confide my difficulties in, my feelings of self doubt and my successes.  But it’s ME that has to deal with each and every one of those things.  It is ME that despite being my own busy, I do physical activity, I prepare the nutritious meals, it’s ME that has set up a plan that will help me succeed.   It is ME that has to coordinate my own children, my own business, and my own home in order.  I don’t always get to work out alone without kids, sometimes it a stroller, sometime another one is counting my reps, sometimes I am working out next to Paw Patrol.  I make it work. ME. ME ME.

I am beginning to resent the word skinny.  I use to want to be skinny, until I realized many years ago that there is a fat skinny.  A skinny where one may look good, but they can’t climb a flight of stairs.  They might not be able to run, and they may not be able to lift weights if their life depended on it.  I am NOT skinny, I am healthy, I am slim, I am strong, I am building muscle. I am not skinny.  

 I am 7 months post partum.  I am exercising anywhere from 30 minutes to 1.5 hours 4-5 times a week.  I make efficient use of those hours.  I work it in the time I have.  I do not push myself to utter exhaustion like I may have in the past.  I have the rest of the day to look after, I want to build energy not loose it. 

I hope that on your journey of health that you get to claim your successes.   You deserve to say the words ‘I work hard!’

Love Sick

So I've fallen in love. Or So I think I have.
You know the feeling, your heart starts to jump, you plan your day around your date, when plans are cancelled you sit by the phone and when your date is up, you stay awake at night thinking about it and want so badly to do it again tomorrow.
Now I didn't think this was possible. Or maybe I've just had a week that sent me over the deep end, and all I think that could save me was sweating a bit. I never thought I would become this person. The person who craves, desires and fantasizes about the next time I can get a fix….
I am in love with working out.
Ok, a lot of women may want to hurt me for what I am going to say. I used to think PMS was something women made up. I thought it was a poor excuse for women to act out in any way they felt needed. It's because I never experienced the mental torture, snappy attitude or flat out rudeness before. Nor did I think that I could belong in a white room with padded walls only to be 'relieved' once I figure out what the heck was going on.
Well this week I was a wild beast, short tempered and feisty… not only would you have not enjoyed being in my presence you may have wanted to avoid receiving texts from me. I was screaming to get out of my house, my life and my body and all I wanted to do was burn some calories. Except, by some terrible twist of fate I just couldn't make it to a class. Monday I woke up to attend the boot camp at my local community centre, waiting eagerly to pay for my drop in, the lady at the counter informed me that the session was cancelled. Now instead of going with my gut and wanting to poke her eyes out (remember this is the PMS talking) I asked her kindly if there was something else happening at 6am. She directed me to my first spin class. After one hour of pumping up and down hills, racing, standing and sweating I was happy that my early rise got my heart fluttering. Although I left feeling refreshed and energized, I knew my days of insanity were not over and my mind and body were already begging for more. I changed it up a bit and decided a run was needed.
Inspiration came to me while running… I need therapy. But the funny thing is, I am my own therapist, exercising and writing is the way I liberate. My mind was releasing the tension and my body gave way. The run finished off a truly frustrating week for me. The weekend gave way to laughs, admirations in my family and time spent enjoying my surroundings instead of wanting to escape them.
I am in love with exercising and the highs I get when feeling my worst. I love that it enables me to see a different perspective and along with many things in my life, it gives me one more thing to look forward to everyday.

Final Contest Post

I’ve been trying to think long and hard if there is one way I can explain that this experience has changed me. There is simply too much to sum up in one post…. you have joined me in the past few months and you have seen me change. You have read how each week I have come to a new awakening, and you have encouraged me along the way. After rereading the first few weeks of my adventure I relived feelings of struggle, strength and laughter. With each week of physical exertion I also had to strive to find a topic and the time to write. I believe that this was the hardest part of my journey. I had to be aware of my surroundings, my feelings, my family and I had to take that and portray it on paper. Maybe I shouldn’t say this was hard, as it was the biggest change in me.


With help from my family I had the ability to schedule in an extra work out, run or class. But who was going to schedule time for me to just sit and think… no one. Did I have the extra time to just sit and ponder… well, a little, during my 3pm coffee break.(Have I told you how important those are to me?) Running gave me the time to clear my head a review my thoughts, which was normally the way I ended the week. Writing was my way of releasing these thoughts and really not knowing who was on the other end other than me. People would make comments on my writing often mentioning things that I didn’t feel were inspiring or funny. Yet somehow it stuck in their head… and maybe I made I difference. (Even if it were to make them giggle)

Out of all the prizes I have won, and the physical changes I have made, what I am most thankful for is the time that people have given up for me. The time that Tina and Eileen set aside so that they could share the wealth of information that was just waiting to burst out with excitement. Hours upon hours on the phone with girlfriends letting me chat their ears off with disappointment, happiness or mulling over my week and my more than fabulous visit to the Willow Stream Spa.

Many friends and family who took the time to encourage me along and the organizers who arranged all this just for me (well it felt like it was all for me, but there was Stephanie and Renee too!) This contest has given me the initiative to look into myself, and my husband and kids sacrificed their time so that I could. You saw what I decided to tell you, my family saw the true me, which was mostly nice (or so I hope so!) but in striving to improve myself I am sure that I was at times a less than perfect mother or wife. As I worked through all my emotions I hope we hurdled together and because I am a stronger woman, we are now a stronger family.

Message in a Bottle

You know, while on vacation at the beginning of this contest my daughter threw a message in a bottle out into the Caribbean Sea. Today it was found washed up on a beach in Alabama. I guess you just don’t know where you will end up or what you can learn until you jump in.

Week 20 Wear Else?

Every Tuesday C has dance class and I never give my input on what she should wear. Some days its an old flower girl dress, or its green pants, with 2 sweaters, pink socks, a huge flower pin and a sewn crown, other times its her dance leotard. I let her decide what will be the best attire to make her feel creative for that hour. Often we run errands after class, and she is still skipping around on her toes. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all feel like this, wearing what we choose, without the fear of judgment from other’s comments.


I like to dress up too, but it seems lately that my life really doesn’t call for many Gala events or afternoon sailing trips on the Mediterranean coast. Trust me, I would love to dress like that, but it’s not realistic… so I’ve got to try looking my best in a pair of jeans and flats. My Stylist Eileen at Wear Else taught me that it won’t take much to improve on my existing wardrobe. As you could tell from my week 18, I was a little nervous that Eileen was going to tear through my closet and inspect every stain, tear and stretched out piece of clothing and tell me to toss it… turns out she only suggest 2 things to give away, which were things I haven’t worn for a long time anyway. My non designer clothes were neatly laid out on the bed and she paired my items with others I would have never tried before. (BTW, she didn’t even attempt to pry open my underwear drawer!) I can’t believe her level of professionalism and non judgmental approach to reviewing my wardrobe and after she left I felt proud that I wasn’t that far off track.

Now even shopping with girlfriends doesn’t compare to the experience I had at Wear Else in Oakridge Mall. Girlfriends will give their opinion to what you have chosen to try on… but would a girlfriend reserve you a change room, pick out a wardrobe selection, offer you water, and then show you around the store? uummm, nope. Eileen’s 19 years with the company changed my views on what a Stylist really does. She is a wealth of information yet she is so approachable and so excited to help. We had fun, I learned so much about her job, her influences on what is going to be in store for the next season and even got to meet one of her regular clients. I also learned that anyone can have this experience… if you are looking for a new wardrobe, or just a new skirt you can call any of the stores to make a complimentary appointment. After figuring out what you are looking for (along with sizes, favorite colours or looks) the stylist will preshop and pull items for you so you are ready to try on clothes when you arrive!

After trying on so many clothes, and wanting most of them, we narrowed it down to a few items(Was it the Rich and Skinny Jeans, the Matiko flats or 1 of the 2 Michael Kors Jackets?) My Mom then walked in with my 2 kids, to which Eileen’s client turned to me is slight amazement. The look on her face was asking if those 2 little people were mine and I nodded. Wow! The final day of this contest and here was someone complimenting me on my ‘young’ body and style! Wasn’t this what the contest was all about? Trying to feel stylish, refreshed and toned. I giggled, because for that moment I felt proud that someone mistook me for having a pre baby body. Up until today I have used a marker of 2003 as being my fittest and feeling the best about my body. Now that my spirit and body(and fashion sense!) have surpassed that marker, and the fact that I have a husband and 2 kids, makes me appreciate my hard work so much more.

As I walked out of Wear Else I felt I had an extra skip in my step, a new sense of style… oh, and a new Michael Kors Trench! Thanks so much Eileen!