Reflection

Today my run was so emotional.  I honestly cried, I teared up. I think this happens sometimes when we are transitioning into something new. I was powerful. I was strong, and I kept fucking going.  I owned it.  I had energy and I used it to keep my run moving but still not to overtake my scheduled training too far.   I felt as though I could run forever!

Recently I have felt that I am coming back into my own person.  I am returning back to the woman who I was before I birthed my last baby.  I felt great emotionally during that pregnancy, I felt good after.  And I didn’t realize until today that I am still working on returning to the ‘old’ Me.   I had a dear girlfriend visit me this summer.  Our talks, little gestures, and ambitions reminded me of who I used to be.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am not lost, I am not looking for direction,  I just had missed a few things that belonged to me.  Little things.  So as I noticed what was missing, I reintroduced them the next day.  It felt good to see the pieces that I missed without realizing it.

I love the song Elastic Heart. I have listened to it constantly for weeks, sung it at the top of my lungs with the kids in the car.  But the words tonight resonated with me…  I am bouncing back.  I can be stretched.  I can be tough.  I can survive pregnancy, birth and come out powerful.   Yet I am still searching for my true self and how to be a better version of me.   I will still have my traits of self-destruction, but I can work through that by just waking up each day.

At the beginning of each year I pick a word.  One word I want to represent me for the next 365 days.  When I am feeling down, happy, or in a difficult situation, I use that word to help me see what I want to bring to my life.  It always teaches me more than I expect, or the meaning evolves as the year progresses   2015 = REFLECTION.   In January I wanted to see what was in my life, I want it to reflect who I am.  I want my kids to be a reflection of me.  I want to be happy with what I see around me.  What I forgot that REFLECTION is also something I see in the mirror.  I was so worried about being judged (probably by myself) that I forgot that what I see in the mirror IS me!  I fuckin own that shit! I work hard for that. I am dedicated to myself.  I want to have a healthy me and it is reflecting right back at me!!! Why did it take me so long to notice it?!  What have I been looking at every morning when I get ready for my day?  Wow, I only realized it on tonight’s run.  And it was emotional.  Very emotional.

I am not going to apologize anymore for being myself. (or I am going to try my hardest to be aware of it)  I am going to use my energy to make me a better me.