Reflection

Today my run was so emotional.  I honestly cried, I teared up. I think this happens sometimes when we are transitioning into something new. I was powerful. I was strong, and I kept fucking going.  I owned it.  I had energy and I used it to keep my run moving but still not to overtake my scheduled training too far.   I felt as though I could run forever!

Recently I have felt that I am coming back into my own person.  I am returning back to the woman who I was before I birthed my last baby.  I felt great emotionally during that pregnancy, I felt good after.  And I didn’t realize until today that I am still working on returning to the ‘old’ Me.   I had a dear girlfriend visit me this summer.  Our talks, little gestures, and ambitions reminded me of who I used to be.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am not lost, I am not looking for direction,  I just had missed a few things that belonged to me.  Little things.  So as I noticed what was missing, I reintroduced them the next day.  It felt good to see the pieces that I missed without realizing it.

I love the song Elastic Heart. I have listened to it constantly for weeks, sung it at the top of my lungs with the kids in the car.  But the words tonight resonated with me…  I am bouncing back.  I can be stretched.  I can be tough.  I can survive pregnancy, birth and come out powerful.   Yet I am still searching for my true self and how to be a better version of me.   I will still have my traits of self-destruction, but I can work through that by just waking up each day.

At the beginning of each year I pick a word.  One word I want to represent me for the next 365 days.  When I am feeling down, happy, or in a difficult situation, I use that word to help me see what I want to bring to my life.  It always teaches me more than I expect, or the meaning evolves as the year progresses   2015 = REFLECTION.   In January I wanted to see what was in my life, I want it to reflect who I am.  I want my kids to be a reflection of me.  I want to be happy with what I see around me.  What I forgot that REFLECTION is also something I see in the mirror.  I was so worried about being judged (probably by myself) that I forgot that what I see in the mirror IS me!  I fuckin own that shit! I work hard for that. I am dedicated to myself.  I want to have a healthy me and it is reflecting right back at me!!! Why did it take me so long to notice it?!  What have I been looking at every morning when I get ready for my day?  Wow, I only realized it on tonight’s run.  And it was emotional.  Very emotional.

I am not going to apologize anymore for being myself. (or I am going to try my hardest to be aware of it)  I am going to use my energy to make me a better me. 

My 4th Postpartum Journey

So Here I am  6 weeks ‘alone’ working out.  I no longer have my FitnessCoach  Krista to meet with once a week.  And it’s summer.  These are at least 2 things that could make it easy to excuse myself from working out, eating healthy and taking time for myself.  Trust me, I have faltered but I am dealing with it… and I am learning how to care for myself, by myself.  I am ok with it (after a little internal turmoil while on vacation)    A majority of my meals are still ½ veggies, and with that in mind I am enjoying wine more.  (heck my on call job starts soon, and I want to enjoy the wine while I can!)

I am learning how important strength training is in my life.  For me, eating healthy and running alone doesn’t give me the feeling of being great in my own skin.  I need muscle, I need core strength and I want it to feel good.  So, oddly enough, while I have lost weight these past few weeks, I feel ‘fat’ in my own skin.  I know I am not fat, it’s just an uncomfortable feeling that I am working through.  (oddly, while I still love the scale as a tool, this instance it wouldn’t be good to use it, because I don’t feel good even with weighing less) When September comes it will bring more routine to my life and I can add the weights back into my week once again.  

I do have to say that by having my Fitness Coach come to my home each week I knew the ONE thing that would be solid for me.  I knew that no matter what chaotic life I had during the week at home with all these kids, that Krista would be the consistency I needed to make it through.  And while this post isn't about her (sorry, love you and all) I want to say that hiring her was the best, most efficient money I have spent on myself in years. 

So,  it’s taken me a while to come to terms with my journey over the last 9-10 months.  I am nervous to share these photos.  I am nervous because I know I will be judged.  Good, bad, too skinny, too fat, too muscular, not enough muscle etc.  I am not looking for compliments to reassure myself,  I just know by putting this out there that someone is judging. I finally want to share this is because for the first time in my life I know that slow and steady wins the race, and I am coming out on top for MY personal goals.  And my slow journey may give someone else the reassurance to keep going. 

 

 The first was taken 3 months postpartum.  I hadn’t done much, but I was itching to move after being sedentary for about 6 months.  Looking back on that photo I don’t look good, but to be honest I felt pretty good.  People I told me I looked great after just having a baby too. (Do we just say that because we don’t know what else to say?!  Remind me to write about that in a blog later)  I had lost about ½ my baby weight in that photo too.  My second photo is 6 months postpartum.  Slow and steady!  I was so happy about my progress.  The last photo is 9 months postpartum.  

With all that I have improved on, what I mostly see is an HUGE improvement in my posture.  Never in my life would I have asked for that because I just didn’t think it was possible.  Yes, I lost weight, Yes I lost inches but what I gained is so much more!  I gained a butt! My WHOLE life I have made fun of myself because my ass was never an asset.  My pants constantly fell down because my waist was bigger than my butt.  This one improvement wasn’t on weight loss, or muscle building, I believe it was purely in the way I stand. 

I have gained confidence when I go out, I feel confident when I run, I feel confident when I work out.  .  Eat well every day for the majority of the day. (meaning who cares if I ate some chocolate, chips and or wine) I have 3 meals a day, I make them count as much as possible.

 Something is better than nothing is a new motto of mine.(thanks Krista!) Again I have 7 chances to work out/ exercise/ move my body. That is 30 or 31 chances a month.  If I can get in 26-31 chances to move my body I will.  It doesn’t have to be hard core, it doesn’t even have to be that challenging, a walk, a jog, a hike, I just have to move.

I have learned to talk positively to myself.   Yes, I ate chocolate (I am a sucker for anything with salt, caramel and chocolate) and I enjoyed it.  Yes, I had a crap day with the kids, but I give myself credit for the things I did do for myself that day.  When I start to get down on myself, I look at Map My Fitness its hard evidence of what I completed.

I don’t really want to share the measurements; I feel they are irrelevant to the general public. And truly it is about how I feel in my skin.  I will share that I lost about 5% body fat. I think this was reasonable and attainable because I am still breastfeeding.  I know some more will come off after my sweet little baby decides it time.    I still am trying to figure out my next goal and it’ll need to come quick because I want to keep motivated.

My journey is constantly changing, and I could go on and on and on about what I learned this last 10 months.  Be realistic with myself.  No, it’s talk positively with myself.  No,  it is do something every day. The truth is,it’s a combination of so many things.  I can’t narrow my journey to one lesson, because it has taken months and will continue to take a lifetime of learning to keep improving.    

So in the meantime, I will do the best I can for today.